I don’t know.. really. I just wish that I knew what was right.. for me, and, for the others..
But, God! I just don’t know and it sucks!
It’s been such a long time since I really didn’t feel like myself. Always lies, always pretending.. which goes nowhere.
But it’s the common belief we tell ourselves.. everything’s going to be just okay! Ohh, yeah!
Why would anyone ever say that, without even meaning it with the slightest bit of belief? Or is it the freedom rather than belief? Who cares?
I just want to put things in the correct order, straighten myself up, come back to reality, and.. I don’t know. It’s just been too much time.. too much time since I haven’t been myself. Maybe my whole goddamn life.
And the thing is.. I don’t know what’s the right thing to do.. How to cure this infallible sickness..
I just wish that everything’s gonna be alright.. and I’m ready to pay the price for it.. no matter what it costs.. pennies or tears.. hope that it just is not years the price I’ll pay.. coz I’m already feeling old. Don’t wanna die with the same hopes without realizing them!
This is it I guess.. the feeling.. the captivation.. no matter how you call it.. it’s just there!
August 20th, 2011